Father

 Often in life, we do not realise what we have until it's broken or until we've lost it.

As a child, my greatest memories had you in them. My worst memories, too. If my life was a movie, you were both my hero and the monster in the story. I remember you for a lot of things. It's very sad that today, I'm left with a lot of pain, resentment and questions, and very little positive memories and excitement when it comes to you.

Remember how you always carried me on your neck and you'd walk me to school and to church? Sometimes you took care of me while mama was at work and you did it so well. You were everything to me. A best friend and a father. Nothing could separate us from each other. 

I remember you. I remember you every time Peter Tosh plays and I remember you every time a Methodist Choir sings. I also remember you when I hear women screaming for their lives and when children are crying with fear; terror overtaking them because there's no way for them to help their mothers who are being tortured and broken by their fathers. I remember you when I say the Lord's Prayer and I remember you when I cuss at people.

I don't want to believe that you're tied to my destiny. I don't want to believe that deep in my heart, the fear that you caused me to feel at the age of 8 remains with me to this day. But that would mean that I don't want to believe that you left scars deep inside my soul. And that would mean that I don't want to believe that you were also the one who protected me from the bad people and the one who defended me from the bullies. 

I remember every single thing you did when I was a child. Every emotion. From the excitement I felt when you bought me my first chocolate cake when I turned 7, to the pain I felt when o watched you stick a screwdriver in my mom's head at age 14.

I don't know where I'm going with this but I think that if I had to really express myself, I'd say I'm typing this because today, I see how your form has changed and it breaks me to a million pieces. I sit in the dark with unshed tears sometimes because I think about how you've become a shadow of yourself. My understanding of death was that it takes the spirit and it takes a person's physical form as well; but I'm seeing it through you in another way. And that's because you're now an empty shell of what you used to be. 

As your daughter, it breaks my heart to pieces to see that you're no longer here. Not as a man I once knew and definitely not as a father. 

I just want to say that I hope you know that blood does not define family and that love is not something we're taught, but something we're all born with in our hearts and when certain people come around, they ignite a fire in us that allows us to release the emotion, and in a way, our hearts capture them and all we want to do is express this love for them because our souls connect in ways that the human mind cannot express. 

I don't want to say you were a good dad. I also don't want to say that you were a bad one. But I know my heart breaks at the thought of what you've become. I wish you would go back to your normal self, but I also don't want to see the monster. I hope in our next lives, you can be the Hero and bring peace without the pain. 

For now, I hope God keeps you alive so my children get to meet you. Then that way, you can change the narrative. You can be an amazing grandad and hopefully that way, God will decide to right your wrongs. 

I love you.