Fears that cripple

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 I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. This fear that I'm feeling is crippling. It's exhausting and it's draining the life out of me.


I have never fallen in love with someone who wanted to love me alone. But I have fallen in love with people who wanted me to have bits and pieces of their hearts while they love others more and put them before me. I have loved people who had no desire to learn how to love me and how to speak to me. Not to the flesh, but to my heart and my soul.


I've been desired but I have never been loved all the way through. People love their ideas of me. And what they think about me is always far from my reality. And so, they leave. They leave after draining me. After taking and not giving. And I'm left with the pain and battered pieces. I'm left to pick up everything on my own. To piece myself back together and try to heal.


I'm afraid that this will be my life forever. I'm afraid that people will never see me for who I am and then love me for that. I'm afraid that people will always choose to leave when it's time to love the parts of me that have always been neglected and those that are less desired.


I'm afraid, I'm so afraid that I'll find you and you'll want to leave because I'm not good enough. Because I'm too much to love. Because there's more to me than what you asked for. Because the wounds and pains are not your cup of tea. I'm afraid that you won't want to love me beyond your idea of who I am. I'm afraid that you won't choose to stay because I'm different.


I love, love. I love being cherished and embraced and treated like a jewel. But the thought sounds profound. Because this is me. This is not something I have ever experienced so why now? What is it that I would have done differently this time?


My heart yearns for you. For a soul mate. Every day. My heart wants this. And if I I'm destined for it, I pray it finds me. I pray you find me. And that I, you.


When the time comes, and you decide to stick around, please know that I am thankful. I am thankful that you chose me and that you made the decision to choose me everyday. I'm thankful that you want to love me beyond my pain. Beyond the hurt, the ideas of me, the first impressions, the calling, and everything that makes me who I am. I am thankful that you chose to cherish me and to open your heart to having me forever.


It won't be easy. It won't be easy because most of my life has been painful. Relationships have been painful. School has been painful. Everything hurts. And the fear of you leaving one day will forever hold me by my neck. And I'll have a lot of doubts because this is new to me. I'm not used to being loved.


I'll finish this tomorrow. I'm sleepy.

08/03/2020

(cont)

So I actually didn't go back to compete this entry; I woke up feeling different the next morning.

This was a few months ago. Today, I'm in a relationship and it feels like this was a dream. I do not remember any of those feelings that I felt when I wrote that. Everything sounds foreign and I can't believe that I, Mosa, wrote that.

So I decided to come here and post that for the people who may feel the same. I hope you're able to put your fears at rest and find peace within yourself. You deserve love and kindness. I hope you will experience a love that's gentle and reassuring. You deserve that much. 

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